- AHHHHHHHR
...but not hopeless at all. lord give some poison and make me feel good. it's such a shit, this world, i feel so paranoid, can't create or say anything from my heart anymore, when i don't feel like myself. it gets me that i don't believe in who i am right now and that i can't draw anymore, just anything. it's because i don't feel like i, kinda desperate right now. every day feels so senseless terrible. glad i can write what i feel right now, and enjoying 21 so hard right now, without much paranoia in every thought my bleeding brain makes up. thanks god or whatever. i think i'm really not hopeless it's a fucking time. well yeah, i'm terribly paranoid about everything right now, don't know what to feel, insomniac, eat vegetables a lot which is good, i feel hysteric and sad. i don't know anymore. i can't draw. i have to admit what i feel right now, this is the only way to find myself again, it's a giant mess inside me, and i feel so endless pathetic. i wish there was something to draw, somed ream, some love, some hope, some i-move-today to-tell-peple-i-love-them, paranoid again. i think of suicide, but would never do. i feel lonely everyday, life's so ordinary. i was dreaming of a better world, a world where people loved instead of killed, and i believed i was the one who could make it, but look at me, i am pathetic. i dreamed of a website to show my thoughts and hopes, to give other people hope, tell them how precious they are and i love all people, no matter what, because they're human and have good hearts. there are also mean... idiots, really. but that's not the problem, the problem is how much i get myself down, and then let myself get down by media and everything and thoughts. and it doesn't help. i was creating my story ufl, now called happy ending, which didn't work, doesn't work, and i don't even know if it won't ever work. it's a big dream, i mean it was. it was my friend and helped me. i wrote 21 and hoped not to worry, i hoped to feel what 21 meant to me, one day, to be free and see the light. i just want to be who i am, i am so broken, but when i know who i am, it's good. right now, it's okay. desperate, but at least not hopeless. still hoping to dream of a different world. yeah, maybe i should try to keep on, draw, seek for help and dream. every day is hard. i need a new point for the beginning. this is a sad time, yet glad i can say this without a feeling of paranoia, i am myself. that's enough, and i believe in love and my own story. just what a sad broken world.
- エラスムス『阿呆礼賛』５０
10. genus（生まれ）, educationem（育ち）, et comites（仲間） audistis. nunc, ne cui（誰かに） sine causa（出鱈目に） videar mihi deae nomen usurpare（自分のことを神だと言ふ）, quantis commoditatibus（利点） deos simul et homines adficiam（もたらす）, quamque late meum pateat（広まる） numen, arrectis auribus accipite. etenim（といふのは） si non inscite（不心得に） scripsit quidam, hoc demum（だけ） esse deum（複数属格、神々のもの）, iuvare（助ける） mortales, et si merito in deorum senatum（元老院） asciti （受け入れられる）sunt, qui vinum, aut frumentum, aut unam aliquam huiusmodi commoditatem mortalibus ostenderunt, cur non ego iure（当然） deorum omnium λ （いろはのい） dicar habearque, quae una omnibus largior（動詞、気前よく与へる） omnia ?
- abrace-me por favor, minha 'SENORITA'.
........ahaha i was too excited that i forgot about 大野智 and sth sth.........:d(?)
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